my dad is truly a comedian, i’m just not sure if he knows it. each day we are subjected to his witty comments, wise remarks, intellectual rants, and unusual remarks. coming to canada from northern ireland many years ago, his accent is still terribly strong and many people have a hard time understanding what he says. i have to say that this just makes his sayings that much better. in honour of fathers day this upcoming sunday i’d like to share with you all some of the phrases that we hear on a regular basis from my dad. hopefully they put a smile on your face and make you laugh just as much as they do for my mom, the twins, and myself.
this is said on a continuous basis because he can no longer hear. over the years it has gotten much worse. literally everything you say to him is followed by it. i secretly think his hearing may be fine but he is choosing to ignore us.
2. me: “hey dad! how was your day?”
me: “i said how was your day?”
me: “dad, you need to go get your hearing checked!”
dad: “my hearing is fine, the doctor just said i can’t hear high-pitched voices like yours and moms”
again this is proof to me that he is ignoring us. he doesn’t suffer from loss of hearing, he suffers from selective hearing.
3. “do you want some cheese with that whine”
i am sure this is a favourite amongst many father’s, but my dad loves saying it- and chuckles each time he does.
4. me (singing): “livin’ it up at the hotel californniiaaaaa…”
dad: “hey katie?”
me: “…iiaaaaa. yah, whats up?”
dad: “can you sing solo?”
dad: “SO LOW i can’t hear you!” (chuckle)
thanks for crushing my dreams dad.
okay, i know this doesn’t come across well in written form, but with his irish accent it may be the funniest thing he ever says. just try to imagine it said really fast with an emphasis on the “t’s”. it’s also usually followed by this:
dad: “simon, can you pass the butter?”
all of us laughing.
me: “dad, say butter”
6. dad: “stop drinking pop katie, there is too much sugar”
me: “dad, it’s diet, no sugar at all”
dad: “stop drinking diet pop katie, there is too much aspartame”
there is just clearly no winning.
7. “your mother’s drunk”
this happens most times when i say good night and my mom is sleeping on the couch beside him, glass of wine still in hand.
8. “katie, every time you come downstairs i don’t know what you’re going to be wearing or what your going to look like.”
i often reply that i am just keeping everybody on their toes. i will take this as a compliment to my every-evolving style.
9. me: “hey dad, those jean’s you like from eddie bauer are on sale”
dad: “i don’t need any jeans, i already have one pair”
please never let him look in my closet. please never let him look in my closet. please never let him look in my closet.
10. “your mother wears army boots”
clearly this is for a different generation, but i’m pretty sure he just insulted his wife.
11. simon: “dad, why don’t you have a profile picture on facebook?”
dad: “i don’t want anyone on the internet seeing me”
well i am pretty this might have already happened. also considering he was on national television.
12. “glory, glory, man united. glory, glory, man united”
this is my dad’s cell phone ring. it often goes off in the middle of business meetings. he usually sings it afterwards.
13. “what about ya?”
really just the same as “how are you?” but much more irish. try listening to him when he visits and comes back. i don’t even know what he’s saying.
14. “i’m a social drinker, if you drink, so-shall-i”
i mean lets face it, i feel like this is said on a number of occasions. i also think it is a wisdom he has projected onto his three wonderful children. sarah, si and i are typically never ones to turn down drinks with friends.
15. “it’s far from your heart”
most people’s parents comfort them when they receive an injury, mine tell me to toughen up. i could literally be having chest pains and this would be my dad’s response lol.
however, i do think this last saying explains a lot about my dad and the way he has raised his family. although it may seem to many that it’s a phrase that lacks compassion, i think of it as the opposite. i think he was trying to teach us that nothing is as bad as it seems. that the world is full of bigger problems- that’ll we will survive. we just have to be strong. it’s a phrase that makes you stop and think that things can’t truly be so bad when you have loving parents who support you, a family that loves you, and a dad that would literally do anything for you.
so happy fathers day to the strongest man i’ve ever met. thank you for teaching sarah and simon and i to be strong, independent, confident, relentless, ambitious, warm, kind-hearted, loving, non-bullshit taking, understanding, courageous, passionate, loving, friendly, good drinkers- and most importantly that family is the most important thing in the whole wide world.
we love you so, so much.
p.s. i hope he reads this blog.